Gosplgirl's Reflections

See you soon, Momma!

2012-01-20T11:57:00.000-08:00

My mom, Susan MacKain, went to be with the Lord on January 18th at 6PM, two days ago. She was in no pain and just went to sleep. My grief is deep, but I do not grieve as those who have no hope(.1 Thessalonians 4:13).Mom accepted Christ here at home about 4 and a half months ago after MANY years of prayer on my behalf, and on behalf of my Christian friends-too many to mention, but you know who you are! ;-) If you so choose, please consider making a small donation of items or monies to the local Hospice in your area, or to the Breast Cancer foundations of your choosing. This is completely voluntary and if you so choose not to, that is fine, as well. Please keep me, Judy, in prayer. The house is very quiet(even with a dog and a cat to keep me company). I do have extended familial support, so I am not totally alone and of course, the BEST SUPPORT of all, my Jehovah-Shalom, my Jehovah-Jireh, and my Adonai, Jesus Christ. He has never and WILL never leave me nor forsake me.(Hebrews 13:5). Thank you all who have lifted and held me up during this very painful time. I am grateful Mom's suffering was not drawn out longer than God saw fit. He is a good and faithful Father. God bless all who read this and love the ones closest. You do not know the hour which God may call them Home and if they do not know Him, the time is NOW to tell them about Jesus DEEP love for them. There may not be a tomorrow...or even a tonight. God Bless.

Caregiving Journey Coming To An End...

2012-01-10T13:28:00.001-08:00

As some of you know whom I speak to via email and Facebook, my Mother is now in total Hospice care. She will NOT be returning home, most likely. Her Breast Cancer has rapidly spread everywhere, including her brain. Mom's motor functions are waning and is having trouble communicating. It could be weeks to 3 months, or longer, if God so chooses to keep her with us. I pray sooner rather than later as I cannot stand seeing her trapped in a pain-ridden, almost-non- functiong body! I know that since Mother prayed with me last Summer that I WILL see her WHOLE again one day when we are all gathered together in Heaven to forever praise Jesus who died for us all. Please pray that my Mom,Susan, does not suffer in this temporary, sick-pain-filled body one SECOND longer than God would see fit. Thank you all who have faithfully prayed for my mom and for me and my father, Ron. God Bless you and you are LOVED!!!

God is good!

2011-11-22T14:35:00.001-08:00

My depression is lifting and I see glimpses of God grace more and more these days! Mother and I are STILL struggling with both our health and our relationship, but God's Presence is the one constant in my life during these last EXTREMELY painful four years. Thanks to all who have read and prayed over my blog and my mom. Her cancer is no worse,but still an uphill battle.God bless all who read this blog

PLEASE PRAY!

2011-10-31T16:37:00.000-07:00

I am suffering a deep depression for which I am getting help for. The past three years seem to have come crashing down around me the last month or two and I very nearly took my own life recently.SUICIDE IS NOT WHAT GOD WANTS, which is why I am seeking help. I do not believe I am clinically depressed,but it is more situational in nature. If you have been following my blogs, you know the past three years have been difficult ones for my mother and me. I desperately need ALL THE PRAYER YOU CAN OFFER ME! Thank you. I will not try to hurt myself again, I promise. God has a better way for me, I know this in my heart, which is why I am still here. Thank you and God bless all who read this blog!

Do I Really Exist ?

2011-09-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it doesn't FEEL like it! God still seems silent in my life of chronic pain and relational turmoil! Am I doing something wrong?!? I read my Bible everyday, not in any particular order, but I do read it! Maybe I need to remove the television from my room.I went years w/out one early in my faith. I get easily distracted, easily discouraged and feel invisible to God( and even to myself, if that makes any sense!!)May be I'm just losing it. I don't know these days. My parents divorce wounded me DEEPLY!!!Deeper than I can begin to express. I NEVER dreamed my dad would leave Mother, but she left him little choice.These past 4 years have been the worst yet in my almost 42 yrs on Earth! All that being said, I still love & trust my Lord Jesus, even in my present "darkness".Please ask God to illuminate my way in Him and to re-ignite my faith that I once had 20 years ago. Thank you to all who read this and have prayed for me! :-)

How will I go on without Mother??

2011-08-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am 41, never been on my own and I feel spritually and emotionally stunted for various reasons. Limited mobility, verbal abuse from Mother, a bio father who never wanted me, and an internal sense of invisibility. You read correctly. I feel INVISIBLE to God! I love Him, but is He seeing my pain and sense of desparation and fear?? Tearing up as I write this because the gut-level truth is painful, yet honest. I feel ashamed being a Christian 20 years and I feel like I have not come far enough in my walk with the Lord Jesus to just let it be Him and me against the World. I feel like I need tangible flesh to get me through. Numerous passages in Scripture tell me I only need God and to not trust in human man, but I am a very, VERY slow learner, I guess. I suffer from General Anxiety and other chronic health issues which require me to need assistance from people, but there is a fine line from putting all my trusting eggs in one basket to just asking for a ride to the store. For me, the line gets extremely blurry. And I literally worry, what if everyone died, how will I get to where I need to be? Sorry for rambling.Mom's fragile health really has been pondering on WHOM I REALLY should be relying on-God or Man. As I said, the choice gets confusing to me sometimes. Please pray for me(Judy) and for my mom(Susan). Thank you very much!!- Psalm 112

Cancer

2011-08-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

I found out yesterday, after Mom was admitted to the hospital for extreme disorientation and fever that her Stage 4 Breast cancer has spread to her liver, once again( it had cleared a few months ago and has now returned) and now to her brain. I am in shock, numb, and not wanting to think about it; but, I know I must face the changes that will soon be upon Mother and me. Mom may not even return home. She is barely consious and Hospice is becoming involved starting Monday. Mother may go directly to a Hospice intake facility or come home at some point, either way, the outlook is as bleak as it could get from my standpoint. Please pray for my mother, Susan, and for me, Judy. The next several weeks and possibly months will be heart-wrenching, I'm afraid. I do have a few local friends, but count on my online friends just as much for prayer support and verbal encouragement. I will try to update this blog as often as I am able. Please pray is all I ask for now. I feel so alone. I know Mom does, too.My only comfort is that a few weeks ago Mother DID accept Christ as her Savior. Leave it to the Lord to know JUST the right time to seek His own out! :) Thank you for your prayers.I value them greatly!

Depression is paralyzing my spirit

2011-05-30T10:47:00.001-07:00

I have been intensely depressed lately. It has been slow to come on, but has been ramping up in the past weeks. I am on new meds for pain, but I doubt that is the cause, since I thoroughly researched them before taking any. I truly believe the hurts of the past four years have been piling up such that my mind and body have had enough. I am asking that those who read this blog please pray for me. I have a lot to deal with. My mother's cancer diagnosis in January, my own diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and the near continual wide-spread pain I am in and just the drudgery of day to day all seem to be TOO TOO MUCH for me right now. If a sinkhole were to form in my house and swallow me up, that'd be just fine with me! All I want to do is disappear. I have been having terrible thoughts lately about death and I have no plans to harm myself, but still the thoughts WILL NOT LEAVE! I have no energy and I cry daily lately. I have no appetite, either. I know I am depressed, but I do not want to go to the hospital for fear of being committed. That thought terrifies me. Please, just pray for the darkness to lift and for God's love and presence to become real to me once again. Thanks to all who read my blog over the past several months. I know God loves me and you(I just with I felt it!).

Social Network Challenge

2011-03-09T20:45:00.000-08:00

I have committed to taking the 40 Days without Facebook(or Twitter) Challenge! Like many people, it has taken up alot of my free time...too much of my time! So, I have made a Lenten choice to fast from all Social Networking for the next 40 days beginning today, Ash Wednesday. I need to get back to God and His Word. As difficult as things have been the past two and half years, I have drifted from God in depression and apathy. This is sin. I repent of this attitude and resolve to purposefully get back into the Word of God on a more consistent basis. I am currently finishing up my study of Jeremiah, and am looking forward to studying the rest of the prophetic books of the Bible which are becoming increasingly relevant in these uncertain days ahead. I encourage you to try the same. While you might not abstain the FULL 40 days; any amount of time deliberately set aside to study God's Word will not go without positive results and God's smile! :)Let's turn off Twitter and turn to the good ol' leather(or hardback!) Bible on our desks, or shelves.

A Twist in the Caregiving Road!!!

2011-02-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone!About a month ago, Mother felt a large lump in her left breast. The next day she was able to see her doctor and schedule a lumpectomy three days later, on Monday the 11th. What was SUPPOSED to be a "simple" lumpectomy turned into a bilateral mastectomy. It was revealed Mother had a cancerous lump the size of an orange in her breast. Two days later, PET and CT Scans revealed the cancer had spread to her liver, both lungs and her bone(ribs and left forearm and leg) and spine. To say that I was shocked in an understantement! I was SO SURE it was nothing!!! A godly woman named, Phyllis sat with me in the waiting room as I cried in shock over the diagnosis. She told me God will make it all right. I have a bit of trouble with this, but,being a Christian, I do believe her, just not sure HOW God will "make it all right". Mother does not know Christ, and still has no desire to know Him on a personal level. My faith has been shaken in the past two years. First by my parents' split, by my own health issues, and now this devastating diagnosis and prognosis of two years or less even WITH treatment. Mother began a 6 month course of I.V Chemo yesterday, to be administered in weekly doses. Please pray for Susan and for me, Judy as we face this terrifying and uncertain crisis together. Ask God to send Godly people into our lives that demonstrate His love for us both. Thank you!

Self-pity

2010-12-08T12:43:00.000-08:00

This seems to be a stronghold in my life the past year or so. I want sympathy from others for physical and emotional pain I have been experiencing for quite some time now. I suffer from chronic physical pain and care for someone(Mother) who suffers from a variety of ailments. This weighs heavily on me and somedays(most days, lately, to be brutally honest), I want someone to say "It's OK, Judy, you don't deserve any of this pain and I will take it from you". This is my wish, but unrealistic, I know. I repent of my self-absorption and "poor-meism". I try to remind myself that I will NEVER, EVER suffer anywhere as severely as Jesus Christ did for me. He was spit on, mocked, heckled, physically ripped apart, laughed at, whipped endlessly and descended into a literal HELL on my behalf! I love Christ more than my own life and will never see Hell because of Him or experience the intensity of suffering He did, because Christ did that for me;neither will you, if you love HIM! I thank God for this and pray that EACH day this is brought to my remembrance and that the grip of self-pity is broken, in Jesus' precious name and by His Blood which daily washes over us all who love Him and look forward to being physically united with Him in Heaven.
Maranatha!!

Please pray for those unable to defend themselves!

2010-10-18T14:30:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is Pro-Life Day! Are you willing to lose your voice for those who will never have one? Please intercede on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves.Thank you!!
You can learn more at the following link: www.silentday.org

The Sovreignty Of God

2010-09-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

This post is not to encourage my readers about God's Sovreignty( though I do believe it deep, deep down), it is to confess to y'all that I am REEEEAAALLY struggling with the reality of His Control over ALL. The Fire in San Bruno, CA, the proposed Mosque in NYC, our President's lax attitude on just about EVERYTHING that matters to me & the majority of God-fearing Americans, and my own personal struggles with chronic pain and caring full-time for my mother who suffers from several health issues has caused my faith in God's Sovreignty to take a real hit this week. That is not being blasphemous, that's being HONEST!!! I would ask, once again, for prayer for my mother, Susan, myself and this country that God created and is Lord over, that His perfect will be done in all instances. Why are men being allowed to thumb their noses at HIM and get away with it, at least for now?!? I know God is slow to anger and wants ALL to come to Him in repentance, but I just want to kick their rear-ends!!!! Again, being honest! I so appreciate my readers and humbly ask for prayer for faith for me to hangeth thou in there, as Kay Arthur would say, and to be more merciful and patient toward those who are totally opposed to Jesus Christ, including my own Mother. And , please let's not forget to pray for the families of those who lost loved ones, 9 years ago tomorrow, September 11,2001. Thank you.

Committed

2010-08-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

It's been just over a year now since my parents split up and I became Mother's caregiver. I am feeling more confident in my new full-time role these past few weeks. In all the pain, physical and emotional, I lost sight of Who our TRUE Caregiver is- Jehovah Rophe! And although Mother does nott yet know Him personally, her life is not yet over. Neither is mine. So, I pray: Father, please give me the strength to be a proper example of Your love and devotion to my Mother. She DESPERATELY needs You! Also, I ask that you who read this caregiving blog among the thousands of blogs in cyberspace please continue lifting me in prayer. I feel as if I have to daily renew my commitment to stand strong on Mother's behalf,even in the mdst of my own chronic pain issues. Thank you for reading. :-)

I Can't Do This!!

2010-05-04T19:47:00.000-07:00

Lately, I am mired in self-pity and bitterness over my parent's split. I feel like I am the one left holding the bag, while my stepfather goes on with his life. Where did MY life go?!? MY plans? I didn't even WANT to be living here at my age, I know God wants this of me, to be obedient, but today, I hate it!!! I am 40 yrs.old and have virtually NO life of my own. I realize how immature this rant is, but lately all I want to do is cry...and sleep. Do I really need to wait until Heaven to be happy again?!?Any encouragement or spiritual kick in the seat is welcomed.

Self-Pity

2010-01-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

I have been battling near-crippling self-pity over the past few months. I know morally I am doing the right thing by caring for my mother,but with that, I cannot help feeling,comes major losses.Losses to my privacy and freedom as an autonomous adult. I just feel depressed so much of time lately.

Defining Role

2009-12-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

Well, my role has become drastically more defined in recent months. My parents are in the midst of a divorce and I am now SOLE caregiver to my Mother who is dealing with several chronic health issues. We have no family nearby, so I am having to look completely to God for my strength and wisdom. I am battling self-pity in my new role, as I have recently turned 40 and never lived on my own due to a variety of circumstances and choices, some of my own making. But, when it all gets down to it, I know God has me here for such a time as this. I ask for prayer from all who read this post. Prayer for wisdom and strength to get my Mother and me through an uncertain future. Thanks. I am not sure when I am going to be able to update my blog, but I sure do appreciate those of you who read it, and those who comment, especially! God bless you all and MERRY CHRISTmas!!!

Hear me and hear me WELL...

2009-05-25T22:12:00.000-07:00

Bullying kills and if you think that it doesn't just ask the many kids who have taken their own lives as a direct result of bullying, either cyber-style or in person. The latest victim that I am aware of is 11 year old Jaheem Herrara, who was taunted and harrassed because his classmates thought he was "gay", even though they had ABSOLUTELY NO evidence to back their cruel assumptions up!! Even if he were, it wouldn't matter. There is absolutely NO justification, excuse or reason for bullying anyone, child or adult....but especially children, who do not have the maturity to not be profoundly influenced by the words and actions of others. My heart is breaking for the family of Jaheem and I trust that they have the comfort of knowing that he is in the loving arms of his Savior, Jesus. I firmly believe he is below the age of accountability and that he IS with Christ at this very moment rejoicing in all the mysteries we, here on Earth, have yet to fully comprehend. As a former child and victim of bullying(due to physical disability), I know all to well the pain and anxiety that Jaheem and others have gone through at the words and actions of their peers. If I sound as if I am being harsh or unforgiving it is because I am so incredibly angry that this happened...or happens AT ALL!!
God loves all with an everlasting love and put us all here to love one another, not torment one another. Let's leave the tormenting to Satan , who will one day be cast in the lake of fire along with all the unrepentant sinners of this fallen and, all-to-often, cruel world.

New Age Music and Binaural Beats

2009-05-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

I very recently purchased an iPod Touch. I love it and am downloading lots of fun apps. I have newly discovered Binaural Beats(set to nature sounds,mostly ) apps and have downloaded them(free versions, mostly). My dilemma is am I sinning by listening to this, supposedly, "mind-altering" sound/music combo? I know very little about Binaural Beats except for what I've read from Apple/iPod Touch. Supposedly our brainwaves respond favorably to certain low frequency sounds for relaxation and sleep, etc... If anyone know any more on this topic, please feel free to reply. I do not want to open my mind to anything demonic or sinful, but if this is ok, then, I will continue to listen to it as it is rather relaxing.

Saw this in a fellow Christian's blog

2009-04-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

This is absolutely brilliant...and true! While we ARE called to be good stewards of the earth God has given us to inhabit, I believe the far-left has taken this truth to an unhealthy extreme, in such a way that it has become idolatry. Worshipping the creation, INSTEAD of the Creator. God will judge both abuses done to what He has entrusted to us and putting what He has entrusted to us before Him in our priorities. It may seem a fine line, but really, it isn't. God is Owner of ALL and He alone is the glorified!!

Seeking Guidance

2009-04-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a difficult couple of weeks for me. Not only have I not been feeling well, I seem to be going through some spiritual roadblocks. Things in my life seem to be transitioning and I am not sure where God wants me now. I am searching the Scriptures for guidance, but can't seem to focus on one particular thing at a time. I ask that those of you reading this blog please ask God to guide me in the way I am to go. In such a way so that there will be no doubt as to God's leading. I know He will hear and answer.

Prayer requested...

2009-03-08T15:08:00.001-07:00

I have temporarily suspended my study on Romans to study the book of Job. Things here at home have been EXTREMELY difficult and tense. I live with my parents, caring for my Mom, mostly and she and my Dad have not gotten along for quite some time now. Neither is a believer and seem to thrive on rehearsing faults and failures. Please lift my parents, Ron and Susan and me, Judy in prayer. I do not wish to move out, but may at some point if things persist as they are.

As read in the Catholic Herald

2009-01-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

I am personally not a Catholic, but the one thing I greatly admire about their faith is that they are passionate about the sanctity of all life. Doing a news search about the latest on Partial-Birth Abortion, I came across this page in the Catholic Herald. Please be in prayer about this. This is of special concern now that we are ushering in a ultra-liberal administration! Please remember that as the Word of God tells us, we were FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made(Psalm 139:14)
One of Congress’ top priorities this session is to fund government agencies. Some of these bills which will be considered in late January or February already propose to reverse existing pro-life provisions such as the ban on funding abortions through the Federal Employees Health Benefits Program. In March, Congress will begin drafting the new appropriations bills for Fiscal Year 2010, and all pro-life protections in these bills will be subject to reversal by simply not including them.
Planned Parenthood along with over 60 other pro-abortion groups have already submitted to the Obama-Biden transition team plans for “Advancing Reproductive Rights and Health in a New Administration.” Whether these plans are accepted and implemented in a piecemeal fashion or through the Freedom of Choice Act, (FOCA) we do not know at this time. However it may be done, the following are some of its ramifications:
• All hospitals, including Catholic hospitals, will be required to perform abortions upon request. If this happens, some bishops have already declared their intention to close down the Catholic hospitals in their dioceses.
• Partial-birth abortions will be legal and have no limitations.
• All U.S. taxpayers will be funding abortions.
• Parental notification of abortions on minors will no longer be required regardless of age.

I Have A Confession To Make...

2008-12-28T20:06:00.000-08:00

I have to get something off of my chest. I know it is wrong and I am sinning, but I HATE our President-Elect, Barack Obama. I know the world sees nothing wrong with this, we can like whom we like and hate whom we choose to hate and some may feel I have justifiable and plentious reasons for feeling this way, but as a Christian I know these feelings and attitudes that I harbour against Obama are sin. I am asking that all who read this please pray that I have a change of heart in regards to my attitude. I don't think I will EVER like what he stands for, but I can respect him as our next leader and love him as a fellow human being, in fact, Scripture commands this as stated in Romans 13. PLEASE ask God to give me compassion and mercy to our newest leader. I know, in spite of his proclamation of being a Christian, he is lost. I should treat him as any other lost soul. With compassion and intercessory prayer, not disdain and revulsion. Thank you to all who take the time to pray for me.

Standing In The Gap...

2008-09-07T16:15:00.000-07:00

Lord God, I stand in the gap on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. I know You value each and every life, for You have planned our days from the foundation of the world. May we be ever mindful of the sanctity of life and intercede until the abomination of abortion becomes a thing of the past. May You meet each and every woman and man who participated in abortions with conviction and forgiveness and a fresh start, In Jesus' precious name and by His cleansing Blood. Amen!

An Olympics rant of sorts...

2008-08-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

While I am not in the habit of encouraging boycotting anything or any institution, I feel I must speak out on this . I cannot, for the life of me, understand HOW China was awarded the 2008 Summer Olympics!! It's a Communist country with virtually NO regard for its citizens or basic human rights. Don't even get started on China's one-child policy put in place in 1979 where forced abortions are STILL enacted from time to time. I am not telling anyone that they should not watch, but I am asking those who read this entry to think about what we are actually celebrating and the light it puts on China. Is the focus where it SHOULD be or is it on the revenue the games will generate? As children of the Most High God, they deserve the same basic human and spiritual rights as well all do.